AISH's Imperfect Podcast
The official podcast for the Association for Integrative and Spiritual and Hypnotherapists
AISH's Imperfect Podcast
Let Them
Use Left/Right to seek, Home/End to jump to start or end. Hold shift to jump forward or backward.
In this episode, Keli Raymond discusses the "Let Them Theory" by Mel Robbins, and how we are figuring it out in our lives, and how to honor ourselves.
And Miss Kelly, you are up. Okay, we are gonna talk about today one of my favorite topics. Why? Because let me tell you why. You see, I'm at the beach, right? I wasn't always at the beach. I'm at the beach now in my mind. And that's a mindset. Because I came across a wonderful book called The Let Them Theory by Mel Robbins. And I have wonderfully adopted this into my life. So I'd like to share it with all of you.
SPEAKER_03Can you spell that word? The what theory?
SPEAKER_02The let them. L-E-T-T-E-T. Oh, let them. Okay.
SPEAKER_03All right.
SPEAKER_02Yes.
SPEAKER_03Okay, gotcha.
SPEAKER_02Well, you're going to hear this much in the next um coming minutes. Uh and Mel Robbins, she's a great um public speaker. And she came to these this book from her own personal experience because she found herself very, very, very unhappy in her life. And that she imagined that go figure. And let me just say, you know, there's more that connects us in this human experience than separates us. And as a human, the thing that we signed up for was the challenge of figuring things out in this life that are true of us spiritually, that we are all far more capable than we can ever imagine. We just have to learn how to get out of our own way and unlearn a whole lot of crap that eclipses us from our truth. Okay. And that's why I love this book so much because it really does encourage us all to honor ourselves a bit more. And how many of us spend so much of our time, our day, our energy, our focus on showing up for everybody else? Well, let me just ask the question: how are we supposed to be happy if we do that all day, every day? It really is the expressway to unhappiness. And I'm not proposing at all for us to be heartless people. It's not that at all. But when we begin to honor ourselves more and fill our cups up more, then we can become happier people every day. Life's a beach in our head and show up for those who mean the most to us in a more substantial way. And isn't that a good thing? Can't we all benefit from that? So let's talk about it. So the Letham Theory Mel talked about how one day she just came across. There were there was a lot of different experiences that she talked about, but she talked about how she had come across on Facebook a bunch of her friends had gone off on this on this trip, and she was not invited. And she felt a bit in her feelings because she did not, she didn't know anything about this. But after she spent some time in her feelings, how could they not invite me? How, you know, all the things that show up as far as that's concerned, and getting in your feelings, as after she hadn't thought about it for a while, she had realized that if she was being honest with herself, she had not been reaching out to her friends as much as she had. That she really had not made the effort with them. So it was probably less of them icing her out. It was just the natural progression of her not being in the mix as much, right? So she had to kind of that began for her journey to take a little bit of an introspective look in within herself. And she came up with some some I guess some good tools to live by that changed her life. And she shared it with all of us. Number one, number one is the let them theory involves stop trying to control other people. Now, in that situation, right, that she was mad because how dare they not invite me and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah, right? Well, the more that we are become attached to other people's actions, what they do, we become the most unhappy version of ourselves. But if we learn how to detach and to just let people do what they're gonna do, we become happier beings. Why is that? Because one of the biggest stresses, sources of stress in our life is trying to manage what other people think, say, and do. Is that a realistic goal? Can we do that?
SPEAKER_03Not for happiness.
SPEAKER_02No, no, right? So we need to let people disagree with us as a part of that detachment. We need to allow them to make their own choices and allow people to just behave how they want. Let people deal with, just let people be on their side of the street and don't be concerned so much about what they're doing on their side of the street. People will ultimately act accordingly to their own values and priorities. And that's in accordance to what their life path is and their journey is. Trying to force them to change only creates frustration and conflict within ourselves and others. And the result of you detaching from this, trying to control what other people do is you free yourself from unnecessary emotional stress. Now, as far as your own happiness, is that gonna help? Absolutely, it's gonna help. Here's the thing, though, I'm a spiritual girl. And the way that I have begun to be more the beach in my head, and a way to understand how to detach, because actually doing these things and saying it and doing it are kind of two different things, right? You would agree, because we may have an awareness of something, but our emotional knee-jerk responses, especially us as hypnotherapists, right, we emote and respond emotionally from two, five, eight, ten, eleven-year-olds. Easier said than done. But when you look at it from a higher perspective and awareness of that of everybody's here on their own journeys, everybody is here in this human experience to have the experiences to ascend your soul and grow spiritually. Everybody's at different vantage points in that growth process. So we're never gonna have somebody understand our position because they haven't walked in our shoes. People are gonna look at things from a far different perspective than we than we do. Let them let them be where they are, have grace and compassion for people where they are. Truth also is that most people do not do hurtful things with the hurtful intention. Most people are are just responding from their own perspective and their own internal narrative, just as we are. Just like you are not responsible for how someone else feels. That too comes from an internal narrative. So the more that you can free yourself and give people space to be and do what they what they will, knowing that they're not coming from an evil or or manipulative or hard-hearted space, most people are just trying to navigate this life experience that's tough as the grad school of spiritual ascension, the earth experience. This is not easy stuff. Don't judge another person. They're just trying to make it through like we are, and but they're coming from their own experience, which is wholly different than ours. Make sense?
SPEAKER_03Absolutely.
SPEAKER_02Give grace where grace is given. Because, you know, what is that in the um core transformation and in hypnosis hypnotherapy for the age regression? You know, the forgiveness, understanding, um, acceptance, what is it? Uh, compassion and love that we all want. We all we say in that process, haven't we too hurt someone and didn't necessarily intend to? So no one else is inherently deserving of um judgment. Remember that, Melissa? F-U-C-A-L-L. I won't say what it sounds like, how I taught you guys how to remember that. We're gonna remember it that way for forever. Exactly. So um, so hopefully, when we look at things from a spiritual perspective, it helps us to incorporate it and help us to respond from a different and better place, right? And when you have compassion for people, you're less likely to judge. And no one deserves judgment because we're all just learning as we go. Number two, because there's seven of these concepts that I want to leave with you guys or share with you guys today, pair the let them theory, let them be and do what they're gonna do with, and then let me. We don't have control over what other people do. All we have true control over is our own response to what the said thing is that the person does. So let them release control that you may feel like you need to have over others, because it's a futile effort, and then let me take responsibility for our own response or for your response. Let me take responsibility because that's an energetic exchange, right? But I certainly can take responsibility for my response. I can choose to get angry and flame out, or which is choosing suffering, or I can choose to let them understand they probably they're doing it for their own reasons, and even if it's unevolved, you know, they don't deserve judgment, they're on their journey, right? Boundaries are a good thing in this, number two point. When people, I always say it's a beautiful thing to see people through the eyes of God, but when they can't see it, sometimes you have to take yourself out of the crosshairs, remove your energy when they can't do better. Create healthy boundaries is an expression of self-love. Would you agree with that?
SPEAKER_03Absolutely.
SPEAKER_02How many conversations have I had with Catherine? Uh, what about those boundaries, Kelly? When I'm bellyaching or about something, uh, boundaries much?
SPEAKER_01I think the spiritual leader at our our spiritual center this morning was talking about similar situations, and she said her response is just I'll pass.
SPEAKER_02Mm-hmm.
SPEAKER_01You want to act like that? Pass.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, remember, noah's a complete sentence. You know, you don't have to be nasty about it, but or or the the phrase that I have taken on, adopted that has been a game changer. No, I'm sorry, that doesn't work for me. People have nowhere to go with that. And it's not rude, it's not nasty, it's just you're just declaring what you are willing or not willing to do. So let people cancel plans, let them decide whether or not they want to continue and and let them cancel plans, let you continue, let me continue to decide whether or not I want to invest, continue investing in said relationship. You have the control over your response, and that's a choice, that's a decision. And when you're deciding to go down the lack side of the equation, because there's always two sides, you are choosing suffering. You have the choice. Okay, this shifts your focus from reacting to others to acting intentionally for your own well-being.
SPEAKER_01Thoughts on that so far? Well, I'm just thinking of years ago when I used to go dancing a couple nights a week. Initially, a couple of women friends would would make plans and they'd say, Yeah, they wanted to go with me. And day of, suddenly at the last hour before we're going, they're back out for one reason or another. And instead of staying home, I decided, you know what, I could go dancing by myself. I couldn't depend on them anyway. So I just went off and had fun alone. I mean, I there you go.
SPEAKER_02That's right. So you still did what you wanted to do and you still had fun. I did, actually. But it wasn't, it wasn't contingent upon somebody else's decisions.
SPEAKER_01No, and I never asked them to go with me again because clearly they couldn't they couldn't follow through. The one friend said, uh, former friend said, if a man called an astronaut on a date that conflicted with plan she had with a female friend, she'd bail with that female friend. And I said, Yeah, no, no, no.
SPEAKER_02And let let me just say, too, that we place uh how we experience things going back to this point, is based upon our own internal narrative. We place focus and weight and power upon what we focus upon. That's our choice, okay? For example, this is a great example. Now, back in the days when you were dating, if you had a date set up with someone who you really didn't feel that much chemistry for, you're just like, okay, I'm gonna do this, right? Versus, and they stood you up versus somebody who you were really looking forward to having spending that time with, and they they stand you up. Now, the two actions are equal, are they not? But the power or the attention, the focus that you place on it gives it the weight. Right. We all experience things, emotions from our internal narrative. Yeah, okay. It's true. So, number three is accept people for who they really are. A powerful insight in this book is how people fall in love with others and their potential rather than who they actually are. The let them theory means let them show you who they are and believe what their actions reveal, not words. And I'm gonna add to this too, because I'm a spiritual girl. We all have the capacity to read the energy of situations. I don't believe what people say, I read the energy of what they're saying, and it tells me everything I need to know. Have you guys ever had that situation where you could read the energy? The words and the energy were opposite ends of the spectrum.
SPEAKER_03Of course.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, you're gonna lead healthier relationships when you are honoring that of what you can read deeper than the surface level, energy. And stop trying to reshape people into your expectation. It's freedom, is peace. Number four is to focus on what you can control. You know, there's a philosophy that encourages distinction between what you can not control, others' behaviors, opinions, emotions, and what you can't control, your actions, your boundaries, your mindset, which is what we just basically said, right? And once we stop obsessing over the uncontrollable things, we reclaim our energy and our personal power in doing that. It's a beautiful feeling. Number five is to reduce anxiety by releasing expectation. Many emotional triggers come from expectation, such as they should have invited me, they should have behaved differently, they should have understood me. Well, again, being a spiritual girl, people and how they show up in our life is a direct mirror of our own energy, without exception. So when people are showing up, not inviting you, not feeling like you're you're not understanding you, it's because in some way you are not giving that's that energy to yourself. It's a mere reflection because we are we're all eternal energy. So when these challenging situations come up, take the opportunity, let me right, let me do the internal reflection that my energy is kind of funky in this minute, and the universe is have giving me the gift of reflecting that back to me. Let me clear up this static energy, right? Number six, let people fall and learn. Kind of went to what Melissa was saying with the savior complex, right? It's funny how the universe is organically organize these podcasts that are dovetailing in with one another. It's not coincidence, it's alignment. Sometimes trying to rescue or fix people actually prevents their growth. The let them theory means allowing people to just make mistakes because we all come here, that's how we learn to face consequences, personal responsibility. That's how you learn and grow, and to grow from their experiences. How many of us as parents tried to put our kids in a bubble? Didn't want them to fail. I didn't do that. Well, many people do ask.
unknownYeah.
SPEAKER_03You know, I'm not a parent, so I can't answer the comments for that.
SPEAKER_02Well, wherever put it where it put where it applies, you know, you know, our spouses, our friends, but we need to normalize and embrace failing forward. We all would move through these cycles of growth easily more easily. There's no downside to failing because you learn every time. And in doing this, you're freeing yourself as well as creating healthier boundaries and more mature relationships.
SPEAKER_01One of the things I learned over the years is if you solve somebody else's problem for them, you get the growth that comes with that, and you rob them of their stay stuck in their cycles.
SPEAKER_03Well, that's like the old story, too, about you can teach somebody to fit, you can feed them uh a fish every day, or you can teach them how to fish so they can do it themselves, right? And if you're feeding them every day and then you you're not feeling good that day, they're screwed.
SPEAKER_02Mm-hmm. That's right. You know, my children for a while during the course of my divorce were trying to emotionally blackmail me. And I was petrified because of their fear tactics. And I just we stayed in this loop, you know, and then finally I said, enough. I surround you two with love and light. I give because I'm gonna be crazy, and at the end of the day, you guys are gonna be okay. So, no, we're not doing this anymore. And I want you to know that's when they really started thriving. They really did. So, this is really a true nobody wins when when everybody stays in the same cycle. So, it really is a waste of energy. Number seven is protect your energy and inner peace. Ultimately, the this theory is about preserving your emotional energy, something that Melissa was talking about before in her podcast. When you step, when you stop trying to manage everyone else, you experience less mental exhaustion, you reclaim your energy, you become more adaptable, happier too, and you focus on building your own life and happiness, which is the only which is what we came here to do anyway. We came here to sort ourselves out. Everyone else is a mirror to that end of where we are in that journey to that end. That's it. That's it. So a lot of these require an unlearning from how we've normally responded because we're so accustomed to being nice, taking care of everybody else, be it from a social point of view or a uh a safety point of view from our early childhood experience, which we can all relate to as healers, right? So let's toss it back out to you guys. Patrick, you had not heard of this before. So I'm curious to get your feedback on what your takeaways are from this.
SPEAKER_03Well, actually, one of my first takeaways is that um once once you spelled it out for me and I could hear it better because I, as I said, I have hearing issues, I realized I did see that book in the in the bookstore the other day, and I didn't know anything about it. I was just kind of like, oh, okay, that's another. One of those pop psychology things, and I just went by it. But after hearing you talk about it, I've I've got two people in my mind that I I think, okay, I'm gonna tell this person, I'm gonna tell that person, I'm gonna probably buy a copy myself. Um, because you know, I think those things are in some ways fundamental, but not obvious.
SPEAKER_02Yes, yes, right?
SPEAKER_03At least not obvious in in most people's normal conception of how we how we deal with stuff, and um, but they're fundamental to if you want to have some peace, if you want to have um your autonomy, if you want to have the ability to to move forward and be as functional as you can for yourself and everybody that you interact with, then yeah.
SPEAKER_02And from a bigger picture, even when we are doing this for ourselves, we are becoming happier, more peaceful people. And what is the net effect of that in our world and humanity? It's no small thing. It's the gift that keeps giving. And I have for the past, ever since I heard about this book, I've told so many people about it, and everybody comes back to me saying how it has shifted their life in some significant way. And a girlfriend of mine, that's a real estate colleague of mine, you know, I was out and about yesterday, and I had mentioned the book to her, and I I asked her if she was doing an open house yesterday, and she says, No, I'm home. I would just show something earlier. Come on by, and so I did. And what was she doing? She was sitting in her courtroom in her courtyard when I walked up and she was reading the let them theory. It's a great book, it is simple, but it is a game changer for sure. Yeah. Anyone else?
SPEAKER_00Yeah, that that information really helped me get through a really tough spot with one of my family members. And in particular, there's one chapter about how to deal with difficult family members. So before I did anything, I finished that chapter. And then I was like, okay, I feel better, better equipped to know how to respond to the situation. It was really helpful. Yeah.
SPEAKER_02It's a great book. And it's also an audio version. I listened to it in audio version because as I'm taking my shower, putting on my makeup in the morning, I often will listen to that in other books. But that's how I read through that book. And I think I've probably read it three different times now in that way. In my car, you know, getting putting on makeup, whatever, just because it's just you pick up more things as you read it more and more. Little jewels along the way, you know. So I highly suggest anybody who's read it once, read it a second and third time. Listen to it, get the audio version because it's it's very helpful in that way. You can just get these little golden nuggets as you go throughout your day. What do you think about it, Catherine?
SPEAKER_01Well, it it resonates with me. It's certainly some of what she's talking about are things I've done. Uh honestly, I credit my seven years of of Al Anon with helping me with boundaries, having healthier boundaries. And I did that full seven years before I became a hypnotherapist. So it it set it set some groundwork. Uh I had a client one time say to me, Well, you must be exhausted at the end of the day listening to all of our problems. And I said, Oh, I I don't take your problems home with with me, they're yours. And I said, We're going to resolve them. The work you're doing is going to get you into a different place with that. But I said, No, I don't take them with me. She was quite surprised, but I would have been burned out years ago had I not known how to have boundaries.
SPEAKER_03There's no way. I mean, when you do this work for long enough, you hear the worst things that people do to each other and that they've experienced. And there's no way you could hold on to that and continue going.
SPEAKER_02No. No, no. I can't all I can also say, too, that it really can be instrumental in transforming your relationships for the positive. You being able to take your personal power back, especially in love relationships. Because a lot of times, you know, we might have some fear basis. Um, well, some fears of relations in our in our relationships. And, you know, when we're focused on that kind of stuff, then that's how we create them. As the mirror is going to show up, what we fear. Wouldn't you agree with that? When you fear, you manifest, and fear is not real. It's only the power you give to it within your mind. Well, you know, I know a lot of people, you guys are not in this situation, but a lot of people, as far as manifestation, because this is a great instrument for manifestation. Because why? You're mastering your emotions better. And we create from our emotions that dictate our vibration, then our vibration is what we manifest from. So it's very important. And so when you are using this as a tool to reclaim your power in any kind of relationship, but especially love relationships, because they typically, that and money are the hardest things to manifest in life. It's a game changer. When you are taking your power back, and you are standing more grounded in your truth and knowing that you have control over your responses, that just letting people do what they're going to do, that's how you teach them how to treat you, which is important, which is so important. Because people walk around thinking that they don't have control a lot of times in various types of relationships, because we don't have control over what other people do. But you do, it's energetic. So when you acknowledge, too, and that's why I take things from a spiritual point of view, that when people are showing up in your life and it's reflecting your work, you can stand more in your power to do your work, which is going to transform these relationships in positive ways. Does that make sense? Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Yeah, it reminds me of one time I had a client that it was during the brief period where I started filming demos outside of the school when I was teaching at the hypnotherapy school. And the rule that I made for myself was because if you were going to do a demo, everybody knew we're doing this demo for this XYZ technique. And everybody knew that up front. So the rule I made was people would come for a session and I wouldn't get to know what it was going to be until they sat down. And then I would make a choice of okay, this is what I'm going to do, and this is why I'm going to do it, and then do the session. And so I had this woman that I knew. Um, and her issue was her adult daughter would treat her like she's the child. And the the daughter is always telling her, Mom, you need to do this, and mom, you need to do that. Well, I knew the woman well enough to know it's not that this woman is, you know, not capable of running her life, and it's not that she's clueless or or whatever. So it was clearly not really anything wrong with mom. It was, but she was dealing with being treated this way by her daughter. And I don't remember what we did, but the telling thing was was a month later when I ran into her somewhere, I go like I asked her, I said, So how's that going? So when your daughter does that, how do you feel now? And she looked at me and she goes, you know, Patrick, since we did that session, she doesn't treat me that way anymore.
SPEAKER_02Funny about that.
SPEAKER_03Yeah. No.
SPEAKER_02Funny about that. How'd that leave you to feel?
SPEAKER_03How did that leave me to feel?
SPEAKER_02Yeah.
SPEAKER_03Um, well, I mean, it it felt great to me. I mean, but it's it's a good uh thing. It's like that old saying about you know, it only takes one person to transform a relationship. Right. Right. And that's something that I end up talking to clients about. Um, because so I live in Santa Fe and it's a um a vacation destination. So sometimes I get people that are here on vacation, and um and I started developing these things. I would work primarily, I mean, probably 80% of my clients are women. And so I'd be working with somebody about a relationship issue, and I would say, okay, so when you go back home, you know, you may notice that people are gonna like keep trying to push your button and they're gonna have one of two responses. Either they're gonna be really glad that button isn't there anymore and they're gonna be really happy for you, or they're gonna keep trying to push the button, trying to get that, and then that, you know, and if they're pushing the button and it's not triggering you, you know you're done. But if they can't change, then you know that isn't you. That's their stuff.
SPEAKER_02Yeah, but there's something about you not feeding the monster anymore, too.
SPEAKER_03Right.
SPEAKER_02And you know, it's like you let the dog chase their tail long enough, they're gonna lay down. If you don't respond in the same way, that feeds the the dynamic, it's going, it has to change, it has to shift, it has to.
SPEAKER_03But sometimes it's like um we used to talk to people about you know, the the way we described it was projection, magnetic attraction, and transfiguration. And transfiguration is the last phase where you have the programming so strong that it literally programs other people to behave according to your programming, even if they wouldn't do that otherwise. And so if we shift that and um and they're not it, they're not changing, then we know it's it wasn't you, it's right, they're still on that wavelength, that's still them.
SPEAKER_02Right. Mm-hmm. True. And it's interesting how you just begin to respond differently. You can you can see it for what it is because you don't have the emotional investment in it anymore.
SPEAKER_03Right. It's like I don't have that trigger anymore. And I and I go, and you can be you can be amused, you can be patient, you can have fun to notice, you know, because like a common comment they would tell me is yeah, I went home after that, and everybody's asked me, Did you do something with your hair? They know something's different, but they can't put their finger on what it is, right?
SPEAKER_02Like, oh and they did that, they did that with their own energy, right? They can do that. We all have far more power than we can imagine, and absolutely takes one person to to create a shift. So thank you. This has been an interesting conversation. I hope that you guys got something from it.
SPEAKER_03Absolutely.
SPEAKER_02I do one of my favorite topics. So thank you all for the exchange. I appreciate it. Until next time. See ya,